As a child I was always asked to be the responsible sibling. Even at the age of 5 I had to choose between going out and play or sit at home and take care of my younger sister while my elder brother went out and played. I chose to stay home and help mom because that gave me her approval and I felt loved. I felt close to her. But what really happened in that moment was a fragmentation. A fragmentation within me of the me who wanted to just be a child and go and play and the one who chose to stay back and thus got Mom’s approval.
As I grew up, such instances were many. I grew up to be a good, responsible, respectful daughter, till the day I wasn’t.
I began opening up to my whole self.. I learned to begin to own my shadow self.
In one such instances in 2018, when I had stuff come up in my relationship with my partner, I opened up further to myself and realized that in this instance I was playing up this trauma.
I realised that everytime my partner would go out on work trips, I would get triggered. I used to feel this anger bubble up, I felt hurt, deep pain, like I was being abandoned. And I felt anger and shame, anger because I had to be responsible for everything back at home while my partner was away at his work trips, shame for feeling this way about the family I love so much.
During many of my trainings and my own sessions with my coach, I came to a small understanding of where this was coming from. And I came to this memory where I saw myself as a child of 5 having to choose between play and responsibility, my mom angry because I stood still not wanting to come and help her, her anger and frustration changing to ease when I stepped away from the door and helped her with the baby. I understood then that part of me had experienced a trauma. And this is what I was experiencing as an adult with my partner.
I wouldn’t have understood any of this had I not chosen to sit with my feelings. The anger, the pain, the shame. I sat with it. I immersed myself in it… I chose not to walk away from them and abandon the part of me that was feeling it all.
I chose to coax out answers from those feelings and that’s what made me aware of that initial moment of what I choose to call the Trauma. Having understood what had happened in that moment, I chose to put all the methods I learned into practice.. And it has always helped me connect deeper with myself.. And I have learned to honor that part of myself who wants what she wants and not judge her for it. I have learned to have authentic conversations with my partner who has listened to every word I said with love and kindness.
Traumas are so real and many a times we aren’t even aware of them. And till the time you haven’t healed those fragments of you, integrated those parts of you, brought those parts of you into light, how do we really feel complete? Your feelings are saying so much to you only if you are willing to listen to them instead of shunning them.
What emotions are you not allowing yourself to feel?